The naked tuba

So Great Clips has a relatively new ad out… it’s all “Back to School” time in television advertisement land…

This time around we see “Fall Migration.” A bunch of kids are on the school bus presumably headed to school, all happy as proverbial clams. In the background is a lone tuba. Naked. Seemingly afraid.

As a former (and, well, still at present) band geek, nothing makes me cringe more than seeing a musical instrument completely nude without its case. Oh the dents that will soon grace the shiny brass coils.

I wonder who thought that would be a great prop for a back-to-school commercial? It does make me happy that there was some kid who loved music so much he/she took the horn home over the summer.

The wiggly camera…

Look at her shake, shimmy, and undulate… It’s like the sultry shaking hips of that wahine in the intro to the original Hawaii 5-O.

Alas, the results aren’t the same. We are, after all, talking about the ubiquitous “wiggly camera.” You see it in those shit-ass news shows like 20/20 or whatever. It’s creeping into the occasional sit-com and drama. Some anus decided it shows “tension” or “down-to-earthness” or, “we’re fucking dipshits who can’t hold a goddam camera steady.”

Of course you expect it on Naked & Afraid or Live PD or whatever. That shit is out in the wild for crissakes, those cameras better be wiggling.

But otherwise, for the love of God, it’s 2017. Can we get a camera stabilizer in these fools’ hands? Good god, my cat could take steadier footage than some of the garbage I see floating across my screen.

The worst shit is when they wiggle the camera on purpose to make it “edgy.” You can picture the suit in the background saying, “hey, that camera is waaaaaay too steady. It won’t appeal to the young kids.”

No, it might not. Get wiggly so people can openly vomit in their living rooms.

With all this HD magic supposedly making our lives infinitely better, it would be even better with steady cameras.

Magic microphone

Has it come to this… talking to inanimate objects?

Yeah, yeah, microphones and invisible friends and all that… but have you noticed how they make hunting for shit on the television and Apple TV and all those dingle dongles incredibly difficult? I mean seriously, hunting and pecking with a craptastic remote that some schlub who seemingly never has done massive hunting on a remote device before. It’s hell.

Blippity bloppity as you go letter by letter, praying that some auto-fill feature will save you from having to enter the whole goddam title…

So now there’s that microphone. You talk into the remote.

Shit magically appears.

Like Jesus.

I think it’s one more data mining bullshit dongle invading our collective minds. Sure, call me all Mr. Conspiracy Theory or whatever… that doesn’t change the truth.

Needless to say, I’m a fucking luddite and still hunt and peck. With a goddam smile on my face.

And get off my lawn while yer at it…

The North Pole…

…is apparently still there, if the Hallmark Channel has anything to do with it.

You know, as a professional television watcher and TV critic extraordinaire, I really should be on top of this shit, you know? Fuck, I’ve been getting all “Christmas in July” on QVC where I got emotional watching them peddle green rocks that are apparently very valuable and have been “touched by the Irish.”

Fucking “Touched by the Irish!!”

That’s some apparently very serious shit and warrants a high price tag. I need to come up with something like that to label whatever I sell.

But I digress (if you want digression, stay tuned, I’ll get all passive digressive sometime soon)…

I’m a die-hard Xmas junkie, so stopping off on the Hallmark Channel in a surfing session to enjoy a few minutes of “Every Christmas Has A Story” is something I covet deeply.

Anyway, I hate the summer, so seeing people frolic in fake winter scenes (you know this shit was shot in the middle of summer) makes me happy.

Where’s my goddam hot chocolate?

Still all trumpish…

Good god, have you watched CNN lately? Fuck, that craptastic excuse for a news station is in the shitter.

And lest you think I’m all “Trump, fuck yeah!” That’s not the case. Frankly, I don’t really give a shit one way or another, but what does drive me up the wall is how news stations everywhere have this fucked-up fixation on Trump. A fucking kid could get eaten by a condor, and they’ll somehow tie it in to Trump.

Jesus, give it a fucking rest already. Not every fucking news story has to mention Trump.

News programs…

… really suck nowadays. I mean, Christ, I get people are all sour and shit that Trump was elected president of this fine country… and I’m not gonna go into any of that.

Why?

Because it’s all over the fucking news all the fucking time. Good fucking god. It never fucking ends.

The media people wonder why people think news and shit isn’t worth reading or watching… and this is one of the reasons. They clamp onto something and can’t fucking let go. Fucking dipshits.

There’s other shit going on on this planet. Give the Trump shit a fucking rest.

Carfax fox dude

I’m still trying to figure out if the Carfax Car Fox dude is creepy, or incredibly cool.

I mean, think about it… he wears khakis and a t-shirt. Just kind of hangs out and gives advice when it’s needed. Seems kind of savvy…

Maybe he’s way cool. The kind of dude you want to hang out with and have a beer and shoot the shit.

Daytime TV is for losers…

This is the forlorn conclusion I’ve arrived at after being stuck on the sofa in recovery mode after some medical drama…

Anyway, Jesus fucking Christ, the advertisements are fucking amazing… bad loans, shitty cars, shit food, dating websites, adjustable mortgage, and generally anything geared to morbidly obese lazy people. And to think some asshole thought putting fake shit crap opera in the JG Wentworth commercials was a good idea.

The programming isn’t much better. Forcing myself to sit through yet another god-awful episode of the Wendy Williams show is a fucking prescription for serious depression.

Of course, this is tempered by plowing through yet another episode of Kitchen Nightmares. “Have you lost your passion?”

Fuck it, I’ll just binge on Girl Scout Cookies.

Donald Trumps the Media

You know, I stay away from politics as much as usual. Shit’s like religion — you ain’t changing minds now matter how loud you yell.

But I have been rather intrigued by Donald Trump’s shafting of the media recently. He’s pissing them off. Bigly.

I once worked in the “news media.” I worked various positions at a large metropolitan newspaper. Thankfully, I got the fuck out many years ago when I smelled the turpentine on the wall that the whole shithouse was about to go up in flames.

I tend to paint with a broad brush, so fuck it — I noticed that people who work in the news industry are smug assholes, and think they are smarter than everyone else. Seriously. That’s why they’re there everyday telling you what the fuck they think you should know.

So for Donald Trump to suddenly say ‘hey, you guys are full of shit’ must just piss them off to no end. I know it pisses them off. Suddenly, they have no clothes.

For the most part, the news media are a group of pompous, full-of-shit assholes who think they know what’s best for you. Of course, they don’t know shit, and get all butt-hurt when anyone calls them out on it.

Trump laid them over the coals, and now they’re all weepy.

Bigly.