2017 Christmas Alert!!

Hell yeah! The 2017 Christmas television commercials are upon us…

…Like the vomit from uncle who downed the whole fucking bowl of bright green Christmas punch.

But I digress. I just witnessed Disney and its Land of supreme happiness slap us across the face with an urgent plea to make the family all happy. Start booking that trip for the hollydaze! Little Billy will be crushed like so much ice in my Mai Tai if you don’t take him this year.

That’s what they’re banking on.

Fuck, October just started and here we are. All jolly.

I dunno, maybe we deserve it.

Or something.

Get in the spirit. NOW!

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Sweet Caroline…

I can see the Hyundai Sonata commercial use of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline being a double edged sword for him. On the one hand, you gotta, well, hand it it to him for allowing its use in a commercial. A little extra royalty scratch can never hurt…

But for the love of god, that fucking commercial ran endlessly. Featuring a bearded douche stuck in traffic belting out the tune, it was mildly humorous upon first viewing. But after the 7,479th time I saw it on fucking television, Neil Diamond, Hyundai, and the aforementioned bearded douche made me fucking sick.

And I’m as big a Neil Diamond fan as anyone. Fucking Hot August Night is in my opinion one of the greatest, if not THE greatest live album of all time. It simply gets no better than that.

But I digress. Perhaps it would behoove musicians when licensing tunes for use in TeeVee ads to put some clause in there to limit the amount of times it can be run, lest we want to destroy shit every time Sweeeeeeeeeeet Carooooooooooline, BAH BAH BAH fucking fucks with my mind in the middle of a fucking football game.

Douchebag drivers…

Douchery on the road seems to be a problem that’s growing like so many weeds on the road.

Hell yeah this is all unscientific and based purely on personal empirical evidence in one little slice of the United States, but fuck it, I swear it’s true.

Assholery is rampant on the roads nowadays. Sure, I’m an old man (relatively speaking, of course), and want all you bastards to get off my fucking lawn… but Jesus, if one more asshole in a giant jacked-up truck, or some doucheweed in a fucking Audi or some other smarmy “I’m better than you because I drive a pretentious, over-priced, piece-of-shit foreign car” fuckwad tails my ass because I’m fucking driving the speed limit…

You know, hey, I’m all for “performance” and fake shit like that, but come on dude, this is a goddam residential neighborhood… no need to drive like a lunatic in a car commercial…

And that brings me to my point: why the fuck do car commercials seem to encourage driving like an asshole? It’s usually some smug fuck with a stubbly beard in some leathery affair tearing down a usually quiet residential road because, well, he’s driving some idiotic waste of money.

“Yeah, I’m better than you because I don’t know how to manage my money.”

Get the fuck out of town you chow-fun bastard.

And car makers keep pumping this shit out. Because the concept of driving safely and sanely isn’t a big seller.

Well, that’s full of shit, and I’m sick of it.

The naked tuba

So Great Clips has a relatively new ad out… it’s all “Back to School” time in television advertisement land…

This time around we see “Fall Migration.” A bunch of kids are on the school bus presumably headed to school, all happy as proverbial clams. In the background is a lone tuba. Naked. Seemingly afraid.

As a former (and, well, still at present) band geek, nothing makes me cringe more than seeing a musical instrument completely nude without its case. Oh the dents that will soon grace the shiny brass coils.

I wonder who thought that would be a great prop for a back-to-school commercial? It does make me happy that there was some kid who loved music so much he/she took the horn home over the summer.

The wiggly camera…

Look at her shake, shimmy, and undulate… It’s like the sultry shaking hips of that wahine in the intro to the original Hawaii 5-O.

Alas, the results aren’t the same. We are, after all, talking about the ubiquitous “wiggly camera.” You see it in those shit-ass news shows like 20/20 or whatever. It’s creeping into the occasional sit-com and drama. Some anus decided it shows “tension” or “down-to-earthness” or, “we’re fucking dipshits who can’t hold a goddam camera steady.”

Of course you expect it on Naked & Afraid or Live PD or whatever. That shit is out in the wild for crissakes, those cameras better be wiggling.

But otherwise, for the love of God, it’s 2017. Can we get a camera stabilizer in these fools’ hands? Good god, my cat could take steadier footage than some of the garbage I see floating across my screen.

The worst shit is when they wiggle the camera on purpose to make it “edgy.” You can picture the suit in the background saying, “hey, that camera is waaaaaay too steady. It won’t appeal to the young kids.”

No, it might not. Get wiggly so people can openly vomit in their living rooms.

With all this HD magic supposedly making our lives infinitely better, it would be even better with steady cameras.

Magic microphone

Has it come to this… talking to inanimate objects?

Yeah, yeah, microphones and invisible friends and all that… but have you noticed how they make hunting for shit on the television and Apple TV and all those dingle dongles incredibly difficult? I mean seriously, hunting and pecking with a craptastic remote that some schlub who seemingly never has done massive hunting on a remote device before. It’s hell.

Blippity bloppity as you go letter by letter, praying that some auto-fill feature will save you from having to enter the whole goddam title…

So now there’s that microphone. You talk into the remote.

Shit magically appears.

Like Jesus.

I think it’s one more data mining bullshit dongle invading our collective minds. Sure, call me all Mr. Conspiracy Theory or whatever… that doesn’t change the truth.

Needless to say, I’m a fucking luddite and still hunt and peck. With a goddam smile on my face.

And get off my lawn while yer at it…

The North Pole…

…is apparently still there, if the Hallmark Channel has anything to do with it.

You know, as a professional television watcher and TV critic extraordinaire, I really should be on top of this shit, you know? Fuck, I’ve been getting all “Christmas in July” on QVC where I got emotional watching them peddle green rocks that are apparently very valuable and have been “touched by the Irish.”

Fucking “Touched by the Irish!!”

That’s some apparently very serious shit and warrants a high price tag. I need to come up with something like that to label whatever I sell.

But I digress (if you want digression, stay tuned, I’ll get all passive digressive sometime soon)…

I’m a die-hard Xmas junkie, so stopping off on the Hallmark Channel in a surfing session to enjoy a few minutes of “Every Christmas Has A Story” is something I covet deeply.

Anyway, I hate the summer, so seeing people frolic in fake winter scenes (you know this shit was shot in the middle of summer) makes me happy.

Where’s my goddam hot chocolate?

Still all trumpish…

Good god, have you watched CNN lately? Fuck, that craptastic excuse for a news station is in the shitter.

And lest you think I’m all “Trump, fuck yeah!” That’s not the case. Frankly, I don’t really give a shit one way or another, but what does drive me up the wall is how news stations everywhere have this fucked-up fixation on Trump. A fucking kid could get eaten by a condor, and they’ll somehow tie it in to Trump.

Jesus, give it a fucking rest already. Not every fucking news story has to mention Trump.

News programs…

… really suck nowadays. I mean, Christ, I get people are all sour and shit that Trump was elected president of this fine country… and I’m not gonna go into any of that.

Why?

Because it’s all over the fucking news all the fucking time. Good fucking god. It never fucking ends.

The media people wonder why people think news and shit isn’t worth reading or watching… and this is one of the reasons. They clamp onto something and can’t fucking let go. Fucking dipshits.

There’s other shit going on on this planet. Give the Trump shit a fucking rest.

Carfax fox dude

I’m still trying to figure out if the Carfax Car Fox dude is creepy, or incredibly cool.

I mean, think about it… he wears khakis and a t-shirt. Just kind of hangs out and gives advice when it’s needed. Seems kind of savvy…

Maybe he’s way cool. The kind of dude you want to hang out with and have a beer and shoot the shit.