The man in the orange oven mitts

Look for him.

On the sidelines of NFL football games. He gets the call from the suits, and walks on the field with his mitted hands crossed, and that’s it. Time for a commercial. They must obey.

Nowadays, everyone is weeping about how craptastic and shitty the NFL has become… I won’t wade too far into that particular can of worms… hell, the NFL has always been shitty. Especially with the commercials aspect.

Good fucking god, how many commercials can one jam into a fucking game? Of course the high water mark is the Super Bowl, but every day is like Sunday, and fucking ads are everywhere. It wouldn’t be so bad if commercials on American television were as inventive and entertaining as, say, Japan… but I digress.

The NFL mitt man…

So, the last two minutes of the game generally 45 hours.

Yeah, I exaggerate. Sort of. Fucking seems like it. And the NFL sits there and scratches their head wondering why people aren’t watching as much. Aside from garbage games, maybe people can’t stomach more commercials than game anymore. Of course they’ll never get a clue.

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How many Ks?

I need a 4,500,000K television.

It’s the only solution.

This garbage 4k nonsense simply won’t work. How the hell am I supposed to watch Cops reruns on something like that?

I want my television to be dumb.

Smart TVs make me nervous. Are they smarter than me? Will they take over my life? Read all my books? Hack my computers? Make me sad? Make me dinner?

Thanksgiving and Parades

Thanksgiving is upon us. There is turkey to consume. Sofas to be lounged upon. Football to be watched.

But the whole works gets rolling with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.

I used to not really watch it much back in my youth. An endless, well, parade, of “famous” (I use that term loosely) people on floats, marching bands of various varieties, and of course those enormous balloons.

It’s kind of like watching Live PD… it’s not television unless dramatic shit goes down. You know people are waiting for some kind of Hindenburgian hellscape to unfold.

Of course, I’m glued to the screen waiting for Santa to appear. For this is the true moment when the floodgates of Christmas and all its glory has been opened. For it is now that we may bask and wallow in the unbridled commercialism that we all really know Christmas is really about.

Sure, the ads have been sneaking up on us for a few weeks now, but now the whole shithouse is going up in flames, man.

And it won’t end until fucking February.

Put that in your cranberry sauce and inhale it.

According to Ford…

… parallel parking is some kind of indicator of worthiness.

Scenario unfolds as some dude is parking in front of family of girlfriend (or whatever).

Apparently dude can’t do it and needs the Ford vehicle’s handy automated system to do it for him. And thank God it was there and he didn’t plow into the parked cars around him. Day is saved, family adores him, and all is well.

Of course we can’t forget that Ford also has a truck that will back a trailer for you, too.

Seems like simple, essential driving skills are pretty much being eliminated. But I suppose that’s okay… leaves more time to stare at a fucking cell phone.

2017 Christmas Alert!!

Hell yeah! The 2017 Christmas television commercials are upon us…

…Like the vomit from uncle who downed the whole fucking bowl of bright green Christmas punch.

But I digress. I just witnessed Disney and its Land of supreme happiness slap us across the face with an urgent plea to make the family all happy. Start booking that trip for the hollydaze! Little Billy will be crushed like so much ice in my Mai Tai if you don’t take him this year.

That’s what they’re banking on.

Fuck, October just started and here we are. All jolly.

I dunno, maybe we deserve it.

Or something.

Get in the spirit. NOW!

Sweet Caroline…

I can see the Hyundai Sonata commercial use of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline being a double edged sword for him. On the one hand, you gotta, well, hand it it to him for allowing its use in a commercial. A little extra royalty scratch can never hurt…

But for the love of god, that fucking commercial ran endlessly. Featuring a bearded douche stuck in traffic belting out the tune, it was mildly humorous upon first viewing. But after the 7,479th time I saw it on fucking television, Neil Diamond, Hyundai, and the aforementioned bearded douche made me fucking sick.

And I’m as big a Neil Diamond fan as anyone. Fucking Hot August Night is in my opinion one of the greatest, if not THE greatest live album of all time. It simply gets no better than that.

But I digress. Perhaps it would behoove musicians when licensing tunes for use in TeeVee ads to put some clause in there to limit the amount of times it can be run, lest we want to destroy shit every time Sweeeeeeeeeeet Carooooooooooline, BAH BAH BAH fucking fucks with my mind in the middle of a fucking football game.

Douchebag drivers…

Douchery on the road seems to be a problem that’s growing like so many weeds on the road.

Hell yeah this is all unscientific and based purely on personal empirical evidence in one little slice of the United States, but fuck it, I swear it’s true.

Assholery is rampant on the roads nowadays. Sure, I’m an old man (relatively speaking, of course), and want all you bastards to get off my fucking lawn… but Jesus, if one more asshole in a giant jacked-up truck, or some doucheweed in a fucking Audi or some other smarmy “I’m better than you because I drive a pretentious, over-priced, piece-of-shit foreign car” fuckwad tails my ass because I’m fucking driving the speed limit…

You know, hey, I’m all for “performance” and fake shit like that, but come on dude, this is a goddam residential neighborhood… no need to drive like a lunatic in a car commercial…

And that brings me to my point: why the fuck do car commercials seem to encourage driving like an asshole? It’s usually some smug fuck with a stubbly beard in some leathery affair tearing down a usually quiet residential road because, well, he’s driving some idiotic waste of money.

“Yeah, I’m better than you because I don’t know how to manage my money.”

Get the fuck out of town you chow-fun bastard.

And car makers keep pumping this shit out. Because the concept of driving safely and sanely isn’t a big seller.

Well, that’s full of shit, and I’m sick of it.

The naked tuba

So Great Clips has a relatively new ad out… it’s all “Back to School” time in television advertisement land…

This time around we see “Fall Migration.” A bunch of kids are on the school bus presumably headed to school, all happy as proverbial clams. In the background is a lone tuba. Naked. Seemingly afraid.

As a former (and, well, still at present) band geek, nothing makes me cringe more than seeing a musical instrument completely nude without its case. Oh the dents that will soon grace the shiny brass coils.

I wonder who thought that would be a great prop for a back-to-school commercial? It does make me happy that there was some kid who loved music so much he/she took the horn home over the summer.

The wiggly camera…

Look at her shake, shimmy, and undulate… It’s like the sultry shaking hips of that wahine in the intro to the original Hawaii 5-O.

Alas, the results aren’t the same. We are, after all, talking about the ubiquitous “wiggly camera.” You see it in those shit-ass news shows like 20/20 or whatever. It’s creeping into the occasional sit-com and drama. Some anus decided it shows “tension” or “down-to-earthness” or, “we’re fucking dipshits who can’t hold a goddam camera steady.”

Of course you expect it on Naked & Afraid or Live PD or whatever. That shit is out in the wild for crissakes, those cameras better be wiggling.

But otherwise, for the love of God, it’s 2017. Can we get a camera stabilizer in these fools’ hands? Good god, my cat could take steadier footage than some of the garbage I see floating across my screen.

The worst shit is when they wiggle the camera on purpose to make it “edgy.” You can picture the suit in the background saying, “hey, that camera is waaaaaay too steady. It won’t appeal to the young kids.”

No, it might not. Get wiggly so people can openly vomit in their living rooms.

With all this HD magic supposedly making our lives infinitely better, it would be even better with steady cameras.

Magic microphone

Has it come to this… talking to inanimate objects?

Yeah, yeah, microphones and invisible friends and all that… but have you noticed how they make hunting for shit on the television and Apple TV and all those dingle dongles incredibly difficult? I mean seriously, hunting and pecking with a craptastic remote that some schlub who seemingly never has done massive hunting on a remote device before. It’s hell.

Blippity bloppity as you go letter by letter, praying that some auto-fill feature will save you from having to enter the whole goddam title…

So now there’s that microphone. You talk into the remote.

Shit magically appears.

Like Jesus.

I think it’s one more data mining bullshit dongle invading our collective minds. Sure, call me all Mr. Conspiracy Theory or whatever… that doesn’t change the truth.

Needless to say, I’m a fucking luddite and still hunt and peck. With a goddam smile on my face.

And get off my lawn while yer at it…