Brewhouse Bacon

It’s rare for me to actually like a commercial.

A necessary evil for this cesspool called Television, advertisements are most often irritating crap that really showcase little-to-no creativity. It’s almost as if the “executives” make it a point to put the absolutely most shitty concepts on the air.

“If we put dumb shit on the air, we’ll make our viewers dumb shits, and then they’ll buy our garbage!”

Fuckers.

When I lived in Japan, it wasn’t (and most likely still isn’t) like the shit spewed on television in the good ol’ United States of America. Commercials were (are?) actually entertaining. They took time to craft decent shit. Hell, sometimes the ads were better than the goddam shows I was watching.

But I digress…

Jack in the Box has recently started running an ad touting their new Jack’s Brewhouse Bacon Burger.

Jack in the Box ads for the most part are generally palatable, and this one is no exception.

Set in a “brewhouse/brewpub/gastropub/douche nest” it has Jack in disguise as a bartender (just missing a man bun) handing out a Jack burger in liu of something that came out of the kitchen.

Big reveal that it’s from Jack in the Box. People freak.

Big reveal that he’s Jack. People freak.

For some reason I find this whole thing hilarious.

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Clarence.

I don’t like Clarence.

He has an event.

At Volkswagen.

Oh, Volkswagen, still going down the shitter after their emissions scandal.

So, they brought in Clarence.

Apparently Volkswagen is having a fire sale to get rid of shitty cars nobody wants, and they came up with the hilarious gag to have some jackass sales guy named Clarence run douchey at the dealership and change signs and shit to call the Clearance Event, a “Clarence Event.”

I guess I can’t blame the guy. Nobody buys crap from Volkswagen anymore, so he must be hurting for commissions and decides he’d poach every customer coming in the door.

Fuck anyone else working at the joint.

No, Fuck Clarence. He seems greasy.

Also sprach Dairy Queen

I’m pretty sure Richard Strauss did not fathom the remote possibility that his tone poem Also sprach Zarathustra would end up as the soundtrack to some vomity ice cream affair trotted out by Dairy Queen.

It’s time for the Royal Blizzard! With an incredibly irritating commercial, to boot!

Yes, yet another dip-shit “ad person” thought it would be a fucking incredibly great idea to have dumb-ass people sing (off-key) “WHAAAAAAAAT??” to the tune of Also sprach Zarathustra.

TeeVee channel is immediately changed as soon as this piece of steaming crap comes on.

Fuck you Dairy Queen.

Get all jangly…

It’s over halfway through the year of our lord 2016, and jangly hipster man bun beard music is still a thing.

I suppose it’s wishful thinking that at some point, it will all disappear, and music that doesn’t grate on me will rule the airwaves over the TeeVee universe.

It still must sell. People must demand it.

Or some clown in an office somewhere thinks “this is what people want.”

State Farm has been running an ad with aforementioned jangly hipster music. And it bothers me. Deeply. The song is actually vaguely catchy, but it’s also kind of stupid, and is all happy and shit.

Fuck Happy.

Well, in this case anyway. It’s fucking insurance. I pay a fucking premium, then get fucked over when I actually need to fix something.

Fuck insurance.

Crooks.

But I digress…

After some digging, it appears the tune in question is by some band called Vows, and is called “We Belong Together.” Or so says iSpot.tv

 

 

 

That smug beard guy selling Chevys

Jesus H. Christ. I swear, every so often, some TeeVee pitchman comes along who is so fucking annoying, that I want to fucking throw a brick through the television.

Well, lately, it’s been that fucking smug-ass beard douche pitching fucking shit Chevy cars to “Real People – Not Actors.”

My fucking ass.

So help me god, I will never, ever, buy a Chevrolet based solely on this commercial series.

Premise: Smug Douche Beard Guy, who is clearly much more important, smart, and generally worldly gets a group of “Real People – Not Actors” in some situation resembling a panel discussion/round table to get their “real” thoughts on crappy shit Chevrolet cars.

More often than not, the “panelists” are complete bumbling idiots driveling over these cars, waxing hyperbolic about how epic the cars are. They really want one! This means it’s “real” and you should want one, too.

Fuck, at one point the fucker pretends to throw everyone’s cell phones into a wood chipper to prove some dumb-ass point.

And the beard douche soaks it all up. He’s smug. He’s a fucking asshole. He glows.

He kind of morphs according to who he’s trying to pull a fast one over. A bunch of dim construction guys (never any females in construction, BTW)? And he dresses down and kind of acts formanly. He’s one of the guys – but just that much better than them.

No. He’s a fucking asshole. Pretentious fuck.

I’m genuinely interested in the thought process behind this commercial series. Who, in their right mind, could actually think this could be a good thing? It must have passed some sort of sniff test. There must have been “Real People – Not Actors” who said, “This is some damn fine commercial work, folks. Green light it immediately. Run with it. Hell, this wonderful man will be the face of Chevrolet for all of eternity. We are blessed.”

I weep openly.

Where’d the time go?

It’s August. I haven’t touched this god-forsaken blog in months.

Have you seen the Olympics? Or should I say the fucking advertisements with a smattering of moldy old crap spoiler garbage that I read about on AP Mobile in the morning.

I suppose I tune in to say “I was there.”

Then I get all salty and switch to watching DVRd episodes of SVU, just because I can, and should, and hell, I’m paying fucking Comcast an arm and a leg for this stupid DVR service, so I’ll use it on crap like old Law & Order episodes.

Anyway, there’s no curling in the Summer Olympics.