Finding God

It never fails… watching a Cops episode, and one of the people pleading with the officer suddenly finds god, despite having just raised holy hell (so to speak); “No, officer, really, I swear to God, I didn’t mean it.”

Yes, this oath to the Almighty is a good reason to let some nutcase just waltz away from a crime scene.

Thankfully officers are never hoodwinked by this holy ruse…

Advertisements

They sound like pigs

Watching MasterChef Junior, it suddenly occurred to me that when all the little kiddies scream, it sounds like a bunch of pigs being killed.

I suppose that applies to any situation where groups of children are assembled and they all stat squealing — it’s a horrific slaughter situation of innocent porcine homicide.

CNN Makes Me Sad

Well, sort of.

I’ve griped in the past about how shitty CNN is nowadays, and hell, nothing’s improved.

Who on God’s green earth thinks it’s a good idea to endlessly televise people yelling at each other? There is nothing fun, interesting, pleasant or worthwhile in any of this. Most, if not all of their programming consists of idiotic conjecture mixed with complete fucktards yelling at one another. He who yells loudest wins.

Not really. It’s just earning them fewer viewers.

Fuck that shit, I’d rather watch Dr. Nowzaradan yell at some hapless fat dude.

The Trivago Guy

Man, this dude still fascinates me, and it’s been years that he’s been on the television telling us that we’re still doing things all wrong.

Trivago guy, there’s something magical about you.

And, for some reason, he kind of strikes me as the human version of the Carfax fox guy. They’re equally creepy yet endearing all at once. Like some kind of cult figure.

The man in the orange oven mitts

Look for him.

On the sidelines of NFL football games. He gets the call from the suits, and walks on the field with his mitted hands crossed, and that’s it. Time for a commercial. They must obey.

Nowadays, everyone is weeping about how craptastic and shitty the NFL has become… I won’t wade too far into that particular can of worms… hell, the NFL has always been shitty. Especially with the commercials aspect.

Good fucking god, how many commercials can one jam into a fucking game? Of course the high water mark is the Super Bowl, but every day is like Sunday, and fucking ads are everywhere. It wouldn’t be so bad if commercials on American television were as inventive and entertaining as, say, Japan… but I digress.

The NFL mitt man…

So, the last two minutes of the game generally 45 hours.

Yeah, I exaggerate. Sort of. Fucking seems like it. And the NFL sits there and scratches their head wondering why people aren’t watching as much. Aside from garbage games, maybe people can’t stomach more commercials than game anymore. Of course they’ll never get a clue.

How many Ks?

I need a 4,500,000K television.

It’s the only solution.

This garbage 4k nonsense simply won’t work. How the hell am I supposed to watch Cops reruns on something like that?

I want my television to be dumb.

Smart TVs make me nervous. Are they smarter than me? Will they take over my life? Read all my books? Hack my computers? Make me sad? Make me dinner?

Thanksgiving and Parades

Thanksgiving is upon us. There is turkey to consume. Sofas to be lounged upon. Football to be watched.

But the whole works gets rolling with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.

I used to not really watch it much back in my youth. An endless, well, parade, of “famous” (I use that term loosely) people on floats, marching bands of various varieties, and of course those enormous balloons.

It’s kind of like watching Live PD… it’s not television unless dramatic shit goes down. You know people are waiting for some kind of Hindenburgian hellscape to unfold.

Of course, I’m glued to the screen waiting for Santa to appear. For this is the true moment when the floodgates of Christmas and all its glory has been opened. For it is now that we may bask and wallow in the unbridled commercialism that we all really know Christmas is really about.

Sure, the ads have been sneaking up on us for a few weeks now, but now the whole shithouse is going up in flames, man.

And it won’t end until fucking February.

Put that in your cranberry sauce and inhale it.

According to Ford…

… parallel parking is some kind of indicator of worthiness.

Scenario unfolds as some dude is parking in front of family of girlfriend (or whatever).

Apparently dude can’t do it and needs the Ford vehicle’s handy automated system to do it for him. And thank God it was there and he didn’t plow into the parked cars around him. Day is saved, family adores him, and all is well.

Of course we can’t forget that Ford also has a truck that will back a trailer for you, too.

Seems like simple, essential driving skills are pretty much being eliminated. But I suppose that’s okay… leaves more time to stare at a fucking cell phone.

2017 Christmas Alert!!

Hell yeah! The 2017 Christmas television commercials are upon us…

…Like the vomit from uncle who downed the whole fucking bowl of bright green Christmas punch.

But I digress. I just witnessed Disney and its Land of supreme happiness slap us across the face with an urgent plea to make the family all happy. Start booking that trip for the hollydaze! Little Billy will be crushed like so much ice in my Mai Tai if you don’t take him this year.

That’s what they’re banking on.

Fuck, October just started and here we are. All jolly.

I dunno, maybe we deserve it.

Or something.

Get in the spirit. NOW!