The enduring beard

You know, that Chevy beard guy is still in action.

In those rare moments when I actually pay attention to the drone of commercials on the television, occasionally I’ll catch a glimpse of him.

He’s still toting a clipboard, and holding those cute little market testing things with “real people” standing around seemingly interested in whatever car or truck is on the podium for the day.

“Ooohs” and “Aaahs” flow like wine, and the smugness envelops us all.

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The Trivago Guy

Man, this dude still fascinates me, and it’s been years that he’s been on the television telling us that we’re still doing things all wrong.

Trivago guy, there’s something magical about you.

And, for some reason, he kind of strikes me as the human version of the Carfax fox guy. They’re equally creepy yet endearing all at once. Like some kind of cult figure.

The man in the orange oven mitts

Look for him.

On the sidelines of NFL football games. He gets the call from the suits, and walks on the field with his mitted hands crossed, and that’s it. Time for a commercial. They must obey.

Nowadays, everyone is weeping about how craptastic and shitty the NFL has become… I won’t wade too far into that particular can of worms… hell, the NFL has always been shitty. Especially with the commercials aspect.

Good fucking god, how many commercials can one jam into a fucking game? Of course the high water mark is the Super Bowl, but every day is like Sunday, and fucking ads are everywhere. It wouldn’t be so bad if commercials on American television were as inventive and entertaining as, say, Japan… but I digress.

The NFL mitt man…

So, the last two minutes of the game generally 45 hours.

Yeah, I exaggerate. Sort of. Fucking seems like it. And the NFL sits there and scratches their head wondering why people aren’t watching as much. Aside from garbage games, maybe people can’t stomach more commercials than game anymore. Of course they’ll never get a clue.

2017 Christmas Alert!!

Hell yeah! The 2017 Christmas television commercials are upon us…

…Like the vomit from uncle who downed the whole fucking bowl of bright green Christmas punch.

But I digress. I just witnessed Disney and its Land of supreme happiness slap us across the face with an urgent plea to make the family all happy. Start booking that trip for the hollydaze! Little Billy will be crushed like so much ice in my Mai Tai if you don’t take him this year.

That’s what they’re banking on.

Fuck, October just started and here we are. All jolly.

I dunno, maybe we deserve it.

Or something.

Get in the spirit. NOW!

Sweet Caroline…

I can see the Hyundai Sonata commercial use of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline being a double edged sword for him. On the one hand, you gotta, well, hand it it to him for allowing its use in a commercial. A little extra royalty scratch can never hurt…

But for the love of god, that fucking commercial ran endlessly. Featuring a bearded douche stuck in traffic belting out the tune, it was mildly humorous upon first viewing. But after the 7,479th time I saw it on fucking television, Neil Diamond, Hyundai, and the aforementioned bearded douche made me fucking sick.

And I’m as big a Neil Diamond fan as anyone. Fucking Hot August Night is in my opinion one of the greatest, if not THE greatest live album of all time. It simply gets no better than that.

But I digress. Perhaps it would behoove musicians when licensing tunes for use in TeeVee ads to put some clause in there to limit the amount of times it can be run, lest we want to destroy shit every time Sweeeeeeeeeeet Carooooooooooline, BAH BAH BAH fucking fucks with my mind in the middle of a fucking football game.

Douchebag drivers…

Douchery on the road seems to be a problem that’s growing like so many weeds on the road.

Hell yeah this is all unscientific and based purely on personal empirical evidence in one little slice of the United States, but fuck it, I swear it’s true.

Assholery is rampant on the roads nowadays. Sure, I’m an old man (relatively speaking, of course), and want all you bastards to get off my fucking lawn… but Jesus, if one more asshole in a giant jacked-up truck, or some doucheweed in a fucking Audi or some other smarmy “I’m better than you because I drive a pretentious, over-priced, piece-of-shit foreign car” fuckwad tails my ass because I’m fucking driving the speed limit…

You know, hey, I’m all for “performance” and fake shit like that, but come on dude, this is a goddam residential neighborhood… no need to drive like a lunatic in a car commercial…

And that brings me to my point: why the fuck do car commercials seem to encourage driving like an asshole? It’s usually some smug fuck with a stubbly beard in some leathery affair tearing down a usually quiet residential road because, well, he’s driving some idiotic waste of money.

“Yeah, I’m better than you because I don’t know how to manage my money.”

Get the fuck out of town you chow-fun bastard.

And car makers keep pumping this shit out. Because the concept of driving safely and sanely isn’t a big seller.

Well, that’s full of shit, and I’m sick of it.

The naked tuba

So Great Clips has a relatively new ad out… it’s all “Back to School” time in television advertisement land…

This time around we see “Fall Migration.” A bunch of kids are on the school bus presumably headed to school, all happy as proverbial clams. In the background is a lone tuba. Naked. Seemingly afraid.

As a former (and, well, still at present) band geek, nothing makes me cringe more than seeing a musical instrument completely nude without its case. Oh the dents that will soon grace the shiny brass coils.

I wonder who thought that would be a great prop for a back-to-school commercial? It does make me happy that there was some kid who loved music so much he/she took the horn home over the summer.

Daytime TV is for losers…

This is the forlorn conclusion I’ve arrived at after being stuck on the sofa in recovery mode after some medical drama…

Anyway, Jesus fucking Christ, the advertisements are fucking amazing… bad loans,¬†shitty cars, shit food, dating websites, adjustable mortgage, and generally anything geared to morbidly obese lazy people. And to think some asshole thought putting fake shit crap opera in the JG Wentworth¬†commercials was a good idea.

The programming isn’t much better. Forcing myself to sit through yet another god-awful episode of the Wendy Williams show is a fucking prescription for serious depression.

Of course, this is tempered by plowing through yet another episode of Kitchen Nightmares. “Have you lost your passion?”

Fuck it, I’ll just binge on Girl Scout Cookies.

Bad tunes

I’m not sure why anyone would think it’s a good idea to have people who can’t sing sing in commercials…

Oh yeah, dipshit dumbass commercial people probably think, “fuck bro, this shit is gold! Fucking idiots in TeeVeeLand can ‘RELATE!'”

Um, no. We don’t.

At least I don’t.

I think it’s some shitty Subaru ad where clowns who can’t sing belt out “Put A Little Love In Your Heart.”

Sorry, it’s like listening to cats in fucking heat.

Gets me to mute that shit pretty damn quick.

Xmas? WTF?

It’s fucking October Duracell.

Fuck you.

No, seriously.

A fucking Christmas commercial? On fucking Sunday, October 23, 2016?

Are you fucking high? I don’t care if there’s some fucking charity thinly veiled in the goddam thing. Fuck the fucking fuck off.

Fuck this shit.

Make Xmas 365 already. Jesus H. Fucking Christ.

Shit.

That ruined my fucking month. I haven’t even put up some fucking Halloween decorations yet.

I’m gonna have a fucking coronary.