Sweet Caroline…

I can see the Hyundai Sonata commercial use of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline being a double edged sword for him. On the one hand, you gotta, well, hand it it to him for allowing its use in a commercial. A little extra royalty scratch can never hurt…

But for the love of god, that fucking commercial ran endlessly. Featuring a bearded douche stuck in traffic belting out the tune, it was mildly humorous upon first viewing. But after the 7,479th time I saw it on fucking television, Neil Diamond, Hyundai, and the aforementioned bearded douche made me fucking sick.

And I’m as big a Neil Diamond fan as anyone. Fucking Hot August Night is in my opinion one of the greatest, if not THE greatest live album of all time. It simply gets no better than that.

But I digress. Perhaps it would behoove musicians when licensing tunes for use in TeeVee ads to put some clause in there to limit the amount of times it can be run, lest we want to destroy shit every time Sweeeeeeeeeeet Carooooooooooline, BAH BAH BAH fucking fucks with my mind in the middle of a fucking football game.

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Douchebag drivers…

Douchery on the road seems to be a problem that’s growing like so many weeds on the road.

Hell yeah this is all unscientific and based purely on personal empirical evidence in one little slice of the United States, but fuck it, I swear it’s true.

Assholery is rampant on the roads nowadays. Sure, I’m an old man (relatively speaking, of course), and want all you bastards to get off my fucking lawn… but Jesus, if one more asshole in a giant jacked-up truck, or some doucheweed in a fucking Audi or some other smarmy “I’m better than you because I drive a pretentious, over-priced, piece-of-shit foreign car” fuckwad tails my ass because I’m fucking driving the speed limit…

You know, hey, I’m all for “performance” and fake shit like that, but come on dude, this is a goddam residential neighborhood… no need to drive like a lunatic in a car commercial…

And that brings me to my point: why the fuck do car commercials seem to encourage driving like an asshole? It’s usually some smug fuck with a stubbly beard in some leathery affair tearing down a usually quiet residential road because, well, he’s driving some idiotic waste of money.

“Yeah, I’m better than you because I don’t know how to manage my money.”

Get the fuck out of town you chow-fun bastard.

And car makers keep pumping this shit out. Because the concept of driving safely and sanely isn’t a big seller.

Well, that’s full of shit, and I’m sick of it.

Bad tunes

I’m not sure why anyone would think it’s a good idea to have people who can’t sing sing in commercials…

Oh yeah, dipshit dumbass commercial people probably think, “fuck bro, this shit is gold! Fucking idiots in TeeVeeLand can ‘RELATE!'”

Um, no. We don’t.

At least I don’t.

I think it’s some shitty Subaru ad where clowns who can’t sing belt out “Put A Little Love In Your Heart.”

Sorry, it’s like listening to cats in fucking heat.

Gets me to mute that shit pretty damn quick.

Nice Touch.

Am I getting some kind of soft spot? I just saw another commercial that I was actually entertained by. It’s probably not that funny, but to hell with it – I laughed.

Febreze does the “this is what your guests smell” gags, and the latest I just saw takes place in a family’s kitchen where apparently the garbage can is reeking to high heaven.

“This is what they smell” and up pops a giant fucking dumpster. Which I thought was comical enough. The kicker was the orange tabby that jumped up on the lid. I haven’t the faintest idea why I was hysterical, but that shit was funny.

An orange fucking tabby!

Of course, there are missed opportunities in the seedy loins of commercial land, as well.

The Buick commercial where the couple is on some remote beach in a cabana all oiled and half-naked and not afraid. Wife asks husband if he locked the car. Switch to (what I suppose is the) airport parking lot where from fucking Timbuktu or wherever they are he remotely locks the Buick via some fancy Buick app on his phone.

Of course, the car’s been unlocked for three days and some fucking crackhead has started squatting in the damn thing.

Wife then asks “you closed the windows at home, right?” “Of course, honey”

Pause for effect.

Husband’s eyes pop open and the scene switches to apartment with open window and a shit-ton of pigeons flying into apartment through open window. A veritable Hitchcockian scene.

I always thought a nice touch would be the apartment covered (and I mean COVERED) in bird shit. Yeah, lets not take away some imagination, but fuck it, go whole hog, dammit. Fuck shit up.

 

Clarence.

I don’t like Clarence.

He has an event.

At Volkswagen.

Oh, Volkswagen, still going down the shitter after their emissions scandal.

So, they brought in Clarence.

Apparently Volkswagen is having a fire sale to get rid of shitty cars nobody wants, and they came up with the hilarious gag to have some jackass sales guy named Clarence run douchey at the dealership and change signs and shit to call the Clearance Event, a “Clarence Event.”

I guess I can’t blame the guy. Nobody buys crap from Volkswagen anymore, so he must be hurting for commissions and decides he’d poach every customer coming in the door.

Fuck anyone else working at the joint.

No, Fuck Clarence. He seems greasy.