The enduring beard

You know, that Chevy beard guy is still in action.

In those rare moments when I actually pay attention to the drone of commercials on the television, occasionally I’ll catch a glimpse of him.

He’s still toting a clipboard, and holding those cute little market testing things with “real people” standing around seemingly interested in whatever car or truck is on the podium for the day.

“Ooohs” and “Aaahs” flow like wine, and the smugness envelops us all.

Sweet Caroline…

I can see the Hyundai Sonata commercial use of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline being a double edged sword for him. On the one hand, you gotta, well, hand it it to him for allowing its use in a commercial. A little extra royalty scratch can never hurt…

But for the love of god, that fucking commercial ran endlessly. Featuring a bearded douche stuck in traffic belting out the tune, it was mildly humorous upon first viewing. But after the 7,479th time I saw it on fucking television, Neil Diamond, Hyundai, and the aforementioned bearded douche made me fucking sick.

And I’m as big a Neil Diamond fan as anyone. Fucking Hot August Night is in my opinion one of the greatest, if not THE greatest live album of all time. It simply gets no better than that.

But I digress. Perhaps it would behoove musicians when licensing tunes for use in TeeVee ads to put some clause in there to limit the amount of times it can be run, lest we want to destroy shit every time Sweeeeeeeeeeet Carooooooooooline, BAH BAH BAH fucking fucks with my mind in the middle of a fucking football game.

Douchebag drivers…

Douchery on the road seems to be a problem that’s growing like so many weeds on the road.

Hell yeah this is all unscientific and based purely on personal empirical evidence in one little slice of the United States, but fuck it, I swear it’s true.

Assholery is rampant on the roads nowadays. Sure, I’m an old man (relatively speaking, of course), and want all you bastards to get off my fucking lawn… but Jesus, if one more asshole in a giant jacked-up truck, or some doucheweed in a fucking Audi or some other smarmy “I’m better than you because I drive a pretentious, over-priced, piece-of-shit foreign car” fuckwad tails my ass because I’m fucking driving the speed limit…

You know, hey, I’m all for “performance” and fake shit like that, but come on dude, this is a goddam residential neighborhood… no need to drive like a lunatic in a car commercial…

And that brings me to my point: why the fuck do car commercials seem to encourage driving like an asshole? It’s usually some smug fuck with a stubbly beard in some leathery affair tearing down a usually quiet residential road because, well, he’s driving some idiotic waste of money.

“Yeah, I’m better than you because I don’t know how to manage my money.”

Get the fuck out of town you chow-fun bastard.

And car makers keep pumping this shit out. Because the concept of driving safely and sanely isn’t a big seller.

Well, that’s full of shit, and I’m sick of it.

Carfax fox dude.

Is it me, or am I the only one vaguely creeped out by the Carfax fox dude.

I’ve seen him cajole innocent car buyers into using invisible car-choosing doohickeys floating in thin air, and that’s not it.

I think it’s the outfit. Oddly tight khakis and a tight white shirt.

It’s a fox.

Maybe that’s it.

Dunno, he’s still a creepy little dude.


I don’t like Clarence.

He has an event.

At Volkswagen.

Oh, Volkswagen, still going down the shitter after their emissions scandal.

So, they brought in Clarence.

Apparently Volkswagen is having a fire sale to get rid of shitty cars nobody wants, and they came up with the hilarious gag to have some jackass sales guy named Clarence run douchey at the dealership and change signs and shit to call the Clearance Event, a “Clarence Event.”

I guess I can’t blame the guy. Nobody buys crap from Volkswagen anymore, so he must be hurting for commissions and decides he’d poach every customer coming in the door.

Fuck anyone else working at the joint.

No, Fuck Clarence. He seems greasy.

That smug beard guy selling Chevys

Jesus H. Christ. I swear, every so often, some TeeVee pitchman comes along who is so fucking annoying, that I want to fucking throw a brick through the television.

Well, lately, it’s been that fucking smug-ass beard douche pitching fucking shit Chevy cars to “Real People – Not Actors.”

My fucking ass.

So help me god, I will never, ever, buy a Chevrolet based solely on this commercial series.

Premise: Smug Douche Beard Guy, who is clearly much more important, smart, and generally worldly gets a group of “Real People – Not Actors” in some situation resembling a panel discussion/round table to get their “real” thoughts on crappy shit Chevrolet cars.

More often than not, the “panelists” are complete bumbling idiots driveling over these cars, waxing hyperbolic about how epic the cars are. They really want one! This means it’s “real” and you should want one, too.

Fuck, at one point the fucker pretends to throw everyone’s cell phones into a wood chipper to prove some dumb-ass point.

And the beard douche soaks it all up. He’s smug. He’s a fucking asshole. He glows.

He kind of morphs according to who he’s trying to pull a fast one over. A bunch of dim construction guys (never any females in construction, BTW)? And he dresses down and kind of acts formanly. He’s one of the guys – but just that much better than them.

No. He’s a fucking asshole. Pretentious fuck.

I’m genuinely interested in the thought process behind this commercial series. Who, in their right mind, could actually think this could be a good thing? It must have passed some sort of sniff test. There must have been “Real People – Not Actors” who said, “This is some damn fine commercial work, folks. Green light it immediately. Run with it. Hell, this wonderful man will be the face of Chevrolet for all of eternity. We are blessed.”

I weep openly.

It’s January

Hey Hyundai, it’s fucking January 15th, 2016.

I was sick of that idiotic “Holly Days” commercial the first time I saw it sometime in fucking November, (or was it October?).

You know the one: A bunch of dumbass beardy hipster assholes riding around town in a Hyundai, happily singing along with some shitty Christmas jingle (maybe it’s real song, who knows, but it sucks nonetheless). They look jolly. Deciduous trees in the background fully leaved (probably shot in July). Some white beardo holding a sprig of mistletoe over some his presumed female partner, and giving her a peck.

They are happy in their Hyundai. You should buy one. Now. And be happy too.

Fuck that shit. And fuck Hyundai for continuing to run this swill well into January.

Oh, and fuck that inane song.