Carfax fox dude.

Is it me, or am I the only one vaguely creeped out by the Carfax fox dude.

I’ve seen him cajole innocent car buyers into using invisible car-choosing doohickeys floating in thin air, and that’s not it.

I think it’s the outfit. Oddly tight khakis and a tight white shirt.

It’s a fox.

Maybe that’s it.

Dunno, he’s still a creepy little dude.

Clarence.

I don’t like Clarence.

He has an event.

At Volkswagen.

Oh, Volkswagen, still going down the shitter after their emissions scandal.

So, they brought in Clarence.

Apparently Volkswagen is having a fire sale to get rid of shitty cars nobody wants, and they came up with the hilarious gag to have some jackass sales guy named Clarence run douchey at the dealership and change signs and shit to call the Clearance Event, a “Clarence Event.”

I guess I can’t blame the guy. Nobody buys crap from Volkswagen anymore, so he must be hurting for commissions and decides he’d poach every customer coming in the door.

Fuck anyone else working at the joint.

No, Fuck Clarence. He seems greasy.

That smug beard guy selling Chevys

Jesus H. Christ. I swear, every so often, some TeeVee pitchman comes along who is so fucking annoying, that I want to fucking throw a brick through the television.

Well, lately, it’s been that fucking smug-ass beard douche pitching fucking shit Chevy cars to “Real People – Not Actors.”

My fucking ass.

So help me god, I will never, ever, buy a Chevrolet based solely on this commercial series.

Premise: Smug Douche Beard Guy, who is clearly much more important, smart, and generally worldly gets a group of “Real People – Not Actors” in some situation resembling a panel discussion/round table to get their “real” thoughts on crappy shit Chevrolet cars.

More often than not, the “panelists” are complete bumbling idiots driveling over these cars, waxing hyperbolic about how epic the cars are. They really want one! This means it’s “real” and you should want one, too.

Fuck, at one point the fucker pretends to throw everyone’s cell phones into a wood chipper to prove some dumb-ass point.

And the beard douche soaks it all up. He’s smug. He’s a fucking asshole. He glows.

He kind of morphs according to who he’s trying to pull a fast one over. A bunch of dim construction guys (never any females in construction, BTW)? And he dresses down and kind of acts formanly. He’s one of the guys – but just that much better than them.

No. He’s a fucking asshole. Pretentious fuck.

I’m genuinely interested in the thought process behind this commercial series. Who, in their right mind, could actually think this could be a good thing? It must have passed some sort of sniff test. There must have been “Real People – Not Actors” who said, “This is some damn fine commercial work, folks. Green light it immediately. Run with it. Hell, this wonderful man will be the face of Chevrolet for all of eternity. We are blessed.”

I weep openly.

It’s January

Hey Hyundai, it’s fucking January 15th, 2016.

I was sick of that idiotic “Holly Days” commercial the first time I saw it sometime in fucking November, (or was it October?).

You know the one: A bunch of dumbass beardy hipster assholes riding around town in a Hyundai, happily singing along with some shitty Christmas jingle (maybe it’s real song, who knows, but it sucks nonetheless). They look jolly. Deciduous trees in the background fully leaved (probably shot in July). Some white beardo holding a sprig of mistletoe over some his presumed female partner, and giving her a peck.

They are happy in their Hyundai. You should buy one. Now. And be happy too.

Fuck that shit. And fuck Hyundai for continuing to run this swill well into January.

Oh, and fuck that inane song.