The naked tuba

So Great Clips has a relatively new ad out… it’s all “Back to School” time in television advertisement land…

This time around we see “Fall Migration.” A bunch of kids are on the school bus presumably headed to school, all happy as proverbial clams. In the background is a lone tuba. Naked. Seemingly afraid.

As a former (and, well, still at present) band geek, nothing makes me cringe more than seeing a musical instrument completely nude without its case. Oh the dents that will soon grace the shiny brass coils.

I wonder who thought that would be a great prop for a back-to-school commercial? It does make me happy that there was some kid who loved music so much he/she took the horn home over the summer.

On the floor, or something

What the fuck is with this weird “trend” of having people lie against a wall like they’re in bed?

You see it in commercials all the time.

Weird herky-jerky animation bullshit going on in the background… fucking more of the dumb-ass hipster infiltration. There’s got to be a beard somewhere on screen.

The suits are sure to be gloating “Look! It’s modern, and will lure the young, gullible and spendy!”

Fucktards. I see that shit and it inspires lame-ass television blog entries like this.

So there!

Bad tunes

I’m not sure why anyone would think it’s a good idea to have people who can’t sing sing in commercials…

Oh yeah, dipshit dumbass commercial people probably think, “fuck bro, this shit is gold! Fucking idiots in TeeVeeLand can ‘RELATE!'”

Um, no. We don’t.

At least I don’t.

I think it’s some shitty Subaru ad where clowns who can’t sing belt out “Put A Little Love In Your Heart.”

Sorry, it’s like listening to cats in fucking heat.

Gets me to mute that shit pretty damn quick.

Xmas? WTF?

It’s fucking October Duracell.

Fuck you.

No, seriously.

A fucking Christmas commercial? On fucking Sunday, October 23, 2016?

Are you fucking high? I don’t care if there’s some fucking charity thinly veiled in the goddam thing. Fuck the fucking fuck off.

Fuck this shit.

Make Xmas 365 already. Jesus H. Fucking Christ.

Shit.

That ruined my fucking month. I haven’t even put up some fucking Halloween decorations yet.

I’m gonna have a fucking coronary.

Get all political…

Man, this is a good time for yelling at televisions.

Dipshit politicians thinking we actually give a flying fuck about anything they say.

You know, the only ones making out like bandits are television stations (and I suppose the occasional print publication) milking the election season for all its worth. Christmas in October/November?

The worst part is the complete stupidity of these politicians, or whoever writes the pap that they spout on the small screen. You look like the idiots you are.

But it will all be behind us in a few weeks.

And for that, I am thankful.

Until then, hell continues.

The Alaska Airlines Bluescreen of Douchery

Out here in the wild west, Alaska Airlines is a pretty big thing.

They got good ol’ Seahawks QB Russell Wilson as CFO (Chief Football Officer… harhar!)… and an eskimo on the tail of their planes.

Of course, there’s an ad series out now (actually has been out for a while, I’ve just been trying to flush it from my memory, foggy as my memories may be), where they’re at the airport… Big blue screen set up in the loading area… and then happy travelers coming by to give little spiels about where they’d love to fly.

It’s the typical “man on the street” interview affair. At least the camera is solidly mounted (so help me god, if I see one more wiggly camera in use for “realness” I’m going fucking go insane).

I suppose the whole fucking affair is innocuous enough.

Perhaps I’m too sensitive.

But the whole thing is so hackneyed and, well, fucking stupid. Especially the dumb-ass hipster who wants to go to fucking Finland or somewhere.

Where?

Who the fuck cares. She fucking snorts and sighs after she says it.

Like she’s gonna eat fucking lutefisk or something for fucking eternity.

Dumbshit.

No.

Perhaps its the mother who wants to go see fucking monkeys somewhere.

I can’t even recall and I just saw this.

What the fucking fuck.

I mean, either this shit is actually real, and she’s got issues, or some writer somewhere found a really good way to fuck with me.

Jesus. Fucking monkeys?

That’s some fucking twisted shit, man.

Carfax fox dude.

Is it me, or am I the only one vaguely creeped out by the Carfax fox dude.

I’ve seen him cajole innocent car buyers into using invisible car-choosing doohickeys floating in thin air, and that’s not it.

I think it’s the outfit. Oddly tight khakis and a tight white shirt.

It’s a fox.

Maybe that’s it.

Dunno, he’s still a creepy little dude.

Nice Touch.

Am I getting some kind of soft spot? I just saw another commercial that I was actually entertained by. It’s probably not that funny, but to hell with it – I laughed.

Febreze does the “this is what your guests smell” gags, and the latest I just saw takes place in a family’s kitchen where apparently the garbage can is reeking to high heaven.

“This is what they smell” and up pops a giant fucking dumpster. Which I thought was comical enough. The kicker was the orange tabby that jumped up on the lid. I haven’t the faintest idea why I was hysterical, but that shit was funny.

An orange fucking tabby!

Of course, there are missed opportunities in the seedy loins of commercial land, as well.

The Buick commercial where the couple is on some remote beach in a cabana all oiled and half-naked and not afraid. Wife asks husband if he locked the car. Switch to (what I suppose is the) airport parking lot where from fucking Timbuktu or wherever they are he remotely locks the Buick via some fancy Buick app on his phone.

Of course, the car’s been unlocked for three days and some fucking crackhead has started squatting in the damn thing.

Wife then asks “you closed the windows at home, right?” “Of course, honey”

Pause for effect.

Husband’s eyes pop open and the scene switches to apartment with open window and a shit-ton of pigeons flying into apartment through open window. A veritable Hitchcockian scene.

I always thought a nice touch would be the apartment covered (and I mean COVERED) in bird shit. Yeah, lets not take away some imagination, but fuck it, go whole hog, dammit. Fuck shit up.

 

Brewhouse Bacon

It’s rare for me to actually like a commercial.

A necessary evil for this cesspool called Television, advertisements are most often irritating crap that really showcase little-to-no creativity. It’s almost as if the “executives” make it a point to put the absolutely most shitty concepts on the air.

“If we put dumb shit on the air, we’ll make our viewers dumb shits, and then they’ll buy our garbage!”

Fuckers.

When I lived in Japan, it wasn’t (and most likely still isn’t) like the shit spewed on television in the good ol’ United States of America. Commercials were (are?) actually entertaining. They took time to craft decent shit. Hell, sometimes the ads were better than the goddam shows I was watching.

But I digress…

Jack in the Box has recently started running an ad touting their new Jack’s Brewhouse Bacon Burger.

Jack in the Box ads for the most part are generally palatable, and this one is no exception.

Set in a “brewhouse/brewpub/gastropub/douche nest” it has Jack in disguise as a bartender (just missing a man bun) handing out a Jack burger in liu of something that came out of the kitchen.

Big reveal that it’s from Jack in the Box. People freak.

Big reveal that he’s Jack. People freak.

For some reason I find this whole thing hilarious.

Clarence.

I don’t like Clarence.

He has an event.

At Volkswagen.

Oh, Volkswagen, still going down the shitter after their emissions scandal.

So, they brought in Clarence.

Apparently Volkswagen is having a fire sale to get rid of shitty cars nobody wants, and they came up with the hilarious gag to have some jackass sales guy named Clarence run douchey at the dealership and change signs and shit to call the Clearance Event, a “Clarence Event.”

I guess I can’t blame the guy. Nobody buys crap from Volkswagen anymore, so he must be hurting for commissions and decides he’d poach every customer coming in the door.

Fuck anyone else working at the joint.

No, Fuck Clarence. He seems greasy.