Someone ejaculated on my plate

I enjoy watching those cooking shows on television. For the most part.

I suppose it has to do with a general enjoyment of food, and a weird interest in “how the sausage is made.”

I’ve recently been on a Top Chef jag… Tom Curlique or whatever he’s named, and Padma wandering around getting fucked up on wine, thinking and acting (badly) like they’re the shit.

A recent episode had the chefs creating something that spoke to their past (a recurring theme — “this is me on a plate, man’).

One chef made something and added a foam of sorts, as a nod to his upbringing by the sea. As usual, the foam looked like fucked up spittle. Or, in a seminal way, looked like foamy ejaculate. Like a fucked up porn reel stag film, where some guy went and whipped out his shlong and whacked it on someone’s fucking dinner.

And don’t get me started on the ever-popular shit smear they love to put on plates — I’ll leave that for another entry…

Cutthroat Kitchen

I’ve never been able to sit through more than 20 seconds of this craptastic show.

I like cooking shows, too.

But anything with Alton Brown makes me physically ill. Alton Brown has got to be the biggest douchenozzle on television today. Smug, with a healthy dose of overt asshole-ishness, this guy makes me want to do unspeakable things to cute animals.

Which leads us today, as I traipse through the vacuum of crap on television – seemingly nothing on – and I stumble upon Cutthroat Kitchen. “Fuck it,” I think to myself, and venture in.

Of course, Alton Brown is being his over-hyper/over-acting self, trumping up drama where there isn’t any, and just generally being a complete asshole.

“Damn the asshole, I’m gonna sit through this piece of garbage. Just on principle,” I mumble.

I’m 33 minutes in. Haven’t destroyed my television yet. Maybe I’ll make it through this one.