The wiggly camera…

Look at her shake, shimmy, and undulate… It’s like the sultry shaking hips of that wahine in the intro to the original Hawaii 5-O.

Alas, the results aren’t the same. We are, after all, talking about the ubiquitous “wiggly camera.” You see it in those shit-ass news shows like 20/20 or whatever. It’s creeping into the occasional sit-com and drama. Some anus decided it shows “tension” or “down-to-earthness” or, “we’re fucking dipshits who can’t hold a goddam camera steady.”

Of course you expect it on Naked & Afraid or Live PD or whatever. That shit is out in the wild for crissakes, those cameras better be wiggling.

But otherwise, for the love of God, it’s 2017. Can we get a camera stabilizer in these fools’ hands? Good god, my cat could take steadier footage than some of the garbage I see floating across my screen.

The worst shit is when they wiggle the camera on purpose to make it “edgy.” You can picture the suit in the background saying, “hey, that camera is waaaaaay too steady. It won’t appeal to the young kids.”

No, it might not. Get wiggly so people can openly vomit in their living rooms.

With all this HD magic supposedly making our lives infinitely better, it would be even better with steady cameras.

Daytime TV is for losers…

This is the forlorn conclusion I’ve arrived at after being stuck on the sofa in recovery mode after some medical drama…

Anyway, Jesus fucking Christ, the advertisements are fucking amazing… bad loans, shitty cars, shit food, dating websites, adjustable mortgage, and generally anything geared to morbidly obese lazy people. And to think some asshole thought putting fake shit crap opera in the JG Wentworth commercials was a good idea.

The programming isn’t much better. Forcing myself to sit through yet another god-awful episode of the Wendy Williams show is a fucking prescription for serious depression.

Of course, this is tempered by plowing through yet another episode of Kitchen Nightmares. “Have you lost your passion?”

Fuck it, I’ll just binge on Girl Scout Cookies.

Donald Trumps the Media

You know, I stay away from politics as much as usual. Shit’s like religion — you ain’t changing minds now matter how loud you yell.

But I have been rather intrigued by Donald Trump’s shafting of the media recently. He’s pissing them off. Bigly.

I once worked in the “news media.” I worked various positions at a large metropolitan newspaper. Thankfully, I got the fuck out many years ago when I smelled the turpentine on the wall that the whole shithouse was about to go up in flames.

I tend to paint with a broad brush, so fuck it — I noticed that people who work in the news industry are smug assholes, and think they are smarter than everyone else. Seriously. That’s why they’re there everyday telling you what the fuck they think you should know.

So for Donald Trump to suddenly say ‘hey, you guys are full of shit’ must just piss them off to no end. I know it pisses them off. Suddenly, they have no clothes.

For the most part, the news media are a group of pompous, full-of-shit assholes who think they know what’s best for you. Of course, they don’t know shit, and get all butt-hurt when anyone calls them out on it.

Trump laid them over the coals, and now they’re all weepy.

Bigly.

On the floor, or something

What the fuck is with this weird “trend” of having people lie against a wall like they’re in bed?

You see it in commercials all the time.

Weird herky-jerky animation bullshit going on in the background… fucking more of the dumb-ass hipster infiltration. There’s got to be a beard somewhere on screen.

The suits are sure to be gloating “Look! It’s modern, and will lure the young, gullible and spendy!”

Fucktards. I see that shit and it inspires lame-ass television blog entries like this.

So there!

Cooking and drinking…

For some reason, cooking and drinking goes quite well together… Hell, I’ve been known to do it myself.

But I digress.

Often when watching those “cooking shows” on teevee, it never fails that when some sort of liquor gets trotted out as an ingredient, it never fails that some chef/contestant/asshole takes a healthy swig from the jug, then proceeds to immediately pour some of that backwash spittle into the food.

That’s some fucking gross shit, man.

Watching  episode 4 of Season 14 of Top Chef, the ever-annoying Katsuji (expertly pronounced by all as Cat-soo-ji, BTW) is continually hitting the Patron like a fucking raging alcoholic, then pours the shit into whatever the fuck he’s cooking.

Whatever.

It all cooks out, right? Like fucking food-borne illness.

Of course, the episode is sponsored by Patron, so dumb-shit chefs getting fucked up in the kitchen is the perfect way to highlight the wonderful qualities of that over-hyped, over-priced shit-ass tequila.

Bar Rescue needs one itself

I’ve been watching Bar Rescue for a while now, and quite frankly, it’s getting pretty shitty lately.

This past Triple Nickel episode was pretty much unwatchable. Hell, the past season has pretty much gone down the shitter.

Taffer is completely overboard, and the fake factor has been ramped up so high I’m like “what the fuck is this garbage?”

Maybe I need to be all wasted or something to really get into it. Seems everyone else on the damn show is wasted… why not me?

Of course, I’m a sucker for shitty television, so I’ll continue to slog my way through the jetsam and flotsam…

Stay tuned…

Xmas? WTF?

It’s fucking October Duracell.

Fuck you.

No, seriously.

A fucking Christmas commercial? On fucking Sunday, October 23, 2016?

Are you fucking high? I don’t care if there’s some fucking charity thinly veiled in the goddam thing. Fuck the fucking fuck off.

Fuck this shit.

Make Xmas 365 already. Jesus H. Fucking Christ.

Shit.

That ruined my fucking month. I haven’t even put up some fucking Halloween decorations yet.

I’m gonna have a fucking coronary.

VPs face off

And hilarity ensues.

Of course the double take moment came when Mike Pence ejaculated, “You whipped out that Mexican thing again.”

I was like, “did he just fucking say that?”

Apparently he did.

And it goes down in the annals of great Vice President debate moments.

Go only knows we need more of that kind of wonderful.

The Alaska Airlines Bluescreen of Douchery

Out here in the wild west, Alaska Airlines is a pretty big thing.

They got good ol’ Seahawks QB Russell Wilson as CFO (Chief Football Officer… harhar!)… and an eskimo on the tail of their planes.

Of course, there’s an ad series out now (actually has been out for a while, I’ve just been trying to flush it from my memory, foggy as my memories may be), where they’re at the airport… Big blue screen set up in the loading area… and then happy travelers coming by to give little spiels about where they’d love to fly.

It’s the typical “man on the street” interview affair. At least the camera is solidly mounted (so help me god, if I see one more wiggly camera in use for “realness” I’m going fucking go insane).

I suppose the whole fucking affair is innocuous enough.

Perhaps I’m too sensitive.

But the whole thing is so hackneyed and, well, fucking stupid. Especially the dumb-ass hipster who wants to go to fucking Finland or somewhere.

Where?

Who the fuck cares. She fucking snorts and sighs after she says it.

Like she’s gonna eat fucking lutefisk or something for fucking eternity.

Dumbshit.

No.

Perhaps its the mother who wants to go see fucking monkeys somewhere.

I can’t even recall and I just saw this.

What the fucking fuck.

I mean, either this shit is actually real, and she’s got issues, or some writer somewhere found a really good way to fuck with me.

Jesus. Fucking monkeys?

That’s some fucking twisted shit, man.