The North Pole…

…is apparently still there, if the Hallmark Channel has anything to do with it.

You know, as a professional television watcher and TV critic extraordinaire, I really should be on top of this shit, you know? Fuck, I’ve been getting all “Christmas in July” on QVC where I got emotional watching them peddle green rocks that are apparently very valuable and have been “touched by the Irish.”

Fucking “Touched by the Irish!!”

That’s some apparently very serious shit and warrants a high price tag. I need to come up with something like that to label whatever I sell.

But I digress (if you want digression, stay tuned, I’ll get all passive digressive sometime soon)…

I’m a die-hard Xmas junkie, so stopping off on the Hallmark Channel in a surfing session to enjoy a few minutes of “Every Christmas Has A Story” is something I covet deeply.

Anyway, I hate the summer, so seeing people frolic in fake winter scenes (you know this shit was shot in the middle of summer) makes me happy.

Where’s my goddam hot chocolate?

Daytime TV is for losers…

This is the forlorn conclusion I’ve arrived at after being stuck on the sofa in recovery mode after some medical drama…

Anyway, Jesus fucking Christ, the advertisements are fucking amazing… bad loans,¬†shitty cars, shit food, dating websites, adjustable mortgage, and generally anything geared to morbidly obese lazy people. And to think some asshole thought putting fake shit crap opera in the JG Wentworth¬†commercials was a good idea.

The programming isn’t much better. Forcing myself to sit through yet another god-awful episode of the Wendy Williams show is a fucking prescription for serious depression.

Of course, this is tempered by plowing through yet another episode of Kitchen Nightmares. “Have you lost your passion?”

Fuck it, I’ll just binge on Girl Scout Cookies.

Cutthroat Kitchen

I’ve never been able to sit through more than 20 seconds of this craptastic show.

I like cooking shows, too.

But anything with Alton Brown makes me physically ill. Alton Brown has got to be the biggest douchenozzle on television today. Smug, with a healthy dose of overt asshole-ishness, this guy makes me want to do unspeakable things to cute animals.

Which leads us today, as I traipse through the vacuum of crap on television – seemingly nothing on – and I stumble upon Cutthroat Kitchen. “Fuck it,” I think to myself, and venture in.

Of course, Alton Brown is being his over-hyper/over-acting self, trumping up drama where there isn’t any, and just generally being a complete asshole.

“Damn the asshole, I’m gonna sit through this piece of garbage. Just on principle,” I mumble.

I’m 33 minutes in. Haven’t destroyed my television yet. Maybe I’ll make it through this one.

Scanning the Channel Guide

Remember the TV Guide?

That was serious required reading back in my youth. There wasn’t internet. There wasn’t cable… not where I grew up anyway.

It was the bible of my viewing time. (What I recall to be) Great Interviews of assorted “famous” people who graced its glossy cover. A crossword of TV-related jetsam and flotsam out back… And of course, the seminal TV Guide Close Up break out of some must-watch show on that day.

“It’s in Close Up, it must be good!”

Now, in this modern age, where six billion channels are at my fingertips, I often find myself in a quandary. It’s like having a refrigerator full of food and lamenting, “There’s nothing to eat.”

I cruise the channel guide looking for some beacon of hope in the vast wasteland, often finding nothing. More often than not, I settle on Cops, or Jail, or Lockup.

Scanning this evening, some of the weird shit available for my viewing pleasure…

  • Local Insert Channel
  • Key Capitol Hill Hearings
  • Monster Fish
  • Woosh Beauty Premiere
  • Black Shaft Addiction 2
  • Tanned & Crammed

I ended up watching Cops…