The man in the orange oven mitts

Look for him.

On the sidelines of NFL football games. He gets the call from the suits, and walks on the field with his mitted hands crossed, and that’s it. Time for a commercial. They must obey.

Nowadays, everyone is weeping about how craptastic and shitty the NFL has become… I won’t wade too far into that particular can of worms… hell, the NFL has always been shitty. Especially with the commercials aspect.

Good fucking god, how many commercials can one jam into a fucking game? Of course the high water mark is the Super Bowl, but every day is like Sunday, and fucking ads are everywhere. It wouldn’t be so bad if commercials on American television were as inventive and entertaining as, say, Japan… but I digress.

The NFL mitt man…

So, the last two minutes of the game generally 45 hours.

Yeah, I exaggerate. Sort of. Fucking seems like it. And the NFL sits there and scratches their head wondering why people aren’t watching as much. Aside from garbage games, maybe people can’t stomach more commercials than game anymore. Of course they’ll never get a clue.

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How many Ks?

I need a 4,500,000K television.

It’s the only solution.

This garbage 4k nonsense simply won’t work. How the hell am I supposed to watch Cops reruns on something like that?

I want my television to be dumb.

Smart TVs make me nervous. Are they smarter than me? Will they take over my life? Read all my books? Hack my computers? Make me sad? Make me dinner?

The wiggly camera…

Look at her shake, shimmy, and undulate… It’s like the sultry shaking hips of that wahine in the intro to the original Hawaii 5-O.

Alas, the results aren’t the same. We are, after all, talking about the ubiquitous “wiggly camera.” You see it in those shit-ass news shows like 20/20 or whatever. It’s creeping into the occasional sit-com and drama. Some anus decided it shows “tension” or “down-to-earthness” or, “we’re fucking dipshits who can’t hold a goddam camera steady.”

Of course you expect it on Naked & Afraid or Live PD or whatever. That shit is out in the wild for crissakes, those cameras better be wiggling.

But otherwise, for the love of God, it’s 2017. Can we get a camera stabilizer in these fools’ hands? Good god, my cat could take steadier footage than some of the garbage I see floating across my screen.

The worst shit is when they wiggle the camera on purpose to make it “edgy.” You can picture the suit in the background saying, “hey, that camera is waaaaaay too steady. It won’t appeal to the young kids.”

No, it might not. Get wiggly so people can openly vomit in their living rooms.

With all this HD magic supposedly making our lives infinitely better, it would be even better with steady cameras.

On the floor, or something

What the fuck is with this weird “trend” of having people lie against a wall like they’re in bed?

You see it in commercials all the time.

Weird herky-jerky animation bullshit going on in the background… fucking more of the dumb-ass hipster infiltration. There’s got to be a beard somewhere on screen.

The suits are sure to be gloating “Look! It’s modern, and will lure the young, gullible and spendy!”

Fucktards. I see that shit and it inspires lame-ass television blog entries like this.

So there!

It’s New Years 2017, and there’s still Xmas leftovers!

Man, you gotta hand it to the Hallmark Network.

It’s fucking 2017, and there’s still some Christmas Shit floating over the cablewaves.

“Love Always, Santa.” “My Christmas Love.”

Crap like this always involves widowers, jilted lovers, single moms and dads, and the occasional abused pet.

Fuck, what a dream job — writing scripts for this swill.

Fox Football Robot

Ok, 2016 NFL Football is upon us like a moist towelette.

I’m finally getting around to watching a game on Fox Sports, and lo! & behold! There’s that fucking dip-shit crap with the glowing eyes.

Fox Sports still has that dumb-ass robot football player thing that walks all over the screen. Trying to look all cool and shit.

Looks like a fucking pile of idiotic garbage.

What in the name of fuck is that shit? I’ve been watching it for years. What are we, 9? Is this supposed to be “cool?” This is shit that you put on fucking onesies for fucking babies. Goddam.

It’s fucking immature and stupid. Jesus fucking Christ, get rid of that shit already, people and grow the fuck up.

Bar Rescue

Bar Rescue S4/Ep37.

John Taffer seems to have a clue about the bar business.

He has no clue about design and, for that matter, punctuation.

In this episode he goes apeshit on yet another hapless bar owner. Then, after aforementioned apeshitness, goes into rehab mode.

Of course, the solution is craptastic design. This episode was wonderful in that he “honored” the owner’s military background with shitty “militaristic” logos, and of course the stellar re-name of “Off Base Bar.”

Sans hyphen.

I suppose it could make some sense without the hyphen, but I don’t think that’s what they were going for.

 

Television is a cesspool

Television.

The boob tube.

The vast wasteland.

Ultimately, a cesspool.

My name is Rich, and I watch television. Quite a bit of it. It’s enjoyable. It’s bizarre. More often than not it’s completely fucked up.

I’m not sure what I plan to accomplish here, other than provide a running commentary of shit I see on tv.

Enjoy.