The North Pole…

…is apparently still there, if the Hallmark Channel has anything to do with it.

You know, as a professional television watcher and TV critic extraordinaire, I really should be on top of this shit, you know? Fuck, I’ve been getting all “Christmas in July” on QVC where I got emotional watching them peddle green rocks that are apparently very valuable and have been “touched by the Irish.”

Fucking “Touched by the Irish!!”

That’s some apparently very serious shit and warrants a high price tag. I need to come up with something like that to label whatever I sell.

But I digress (if you want digression, stay tuned, I’ll get all passive digressive sometime soon)…

I’m a die-hard Xmas junkie, so stopping off on the Hallmark Channel in a surfing session to enjoy a few minutes of “Every Christmas Has A Story” is something I covet deeply.

Anyway, I hate the summer, so seeing people frolic in fake winter scenes (you know this shit was shot in the middle of summer) makes me happy.

Where’s my goddam hot chocolate?

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Still all trumpish…

Good god, have you watched CNN lately? Fuck, that craptastic excuse for a news station is in the shitter.

And lest you think I’m all “Trump, fuck yeah!” That’s not the case. Frankly, I don’t really give a shit one way or another, but what does drive me up the wall is how news stations everywhere have this fucked-up fixation on Trump. A fucking kid could get eaten by a condor, and they’ll somehow tie it in to Trump.

Jesus, give it a fucking rest already. Not every fucking news story has to mention Trump.

News programs…

… really suck nowadays. I mean, Christ, I get people are all sour and shit that Trump was elected president of this fine country… and I’m not gonna go into any of that.

Why?

Because it’s all over the fucking news all the fucking time. Good fucking god. It never fucking ends.

The media people wonder why people think news and shit isn’t worth reading or watching… and this is one of the reasons. They clamp onto something and can’t fucking let go. Fucking dipshits.

There’s other shit going on on this planet. Give the Trump shit a fucking rest.

Carfax fox dude

I’m still trying to figure out if the Carfax Car Fox dude is creepy, or incredibly cool.

I mean, think about it… he wears khakis and a t-shirt. Just kind of hangs out and gives advice when it’s needed. Seems kind of savvy…

Maybe he’s way cool. The kind of dude you want to hang out with and have a beer and shoot the shit.

Daytime TV is for losers…

This is the forlorn conclusion I’ve arrived at after being stuck on the sofa in recovery mode after some medical drama…

Anyway, Jesus fucking Christ, the advertisements are fucking amazing… bad loans, shitty cars, shit food, dating websites, adjustable mortgage, and generally anything geared to morbidly obese lazy people. And to think some asshole thought putting fake shit crap opera in the JG Wentworth commercials was a good idea.

The programming isn’t much better. Forcing myself to sit through yet another god-awful episode of the Wendy Williams show is a fucking prescription for serious depression.

Of course, this is tempered by plowing through yet another episode of Kitchen Nightmares. “Have you lost your passion?”

Fuck it, I’ll just binge on Girl Scout Cookies.

Donald Trumps the Media

You know, I stay away from politics as much as usual. Shit’s like religion — you ain’t changing minds now matter how loud you yell.

But I have been rather intrigued by Donald Trump’s shafting of the media recently. He’s pissing them off. Bigly.

I once worked in the “news media.” I worked various positions at a large metropolitan newspaper. Thankfully, I got the fuck out many years ago when I smelled the turpentine on the wall that the whole shithouse was about to go up in flames.

I tend to paint with a broad brush, so fuck it — I noticed that people who work in the news industry are smug assholes, and think they are smarter than everyone else. Seriously. That’s why they’re there everyday telling you what the fuck they think you should know.

So for Donald Trump to suddenly say ‘hey, you guys are full of shit’ must just piss them off to no end. I know it pisses them off. Suddenly, they have no clothes.

For the most part, the news media are a group of pompous, full-of-shit assholes who think they know what’s best for you. Of course, they don’t know shit, and get all butt-hurt when anyone calls them out on it.

Trump laid them over the coals, and now they’re all weepy.

Bigly.

Someone ejaculated on my plate

I enjoy watching those cooking shows on television. For the most part.

I suppose it has to do with a general enjoyment of food, and a weird interest in “how the sausage is made.”

I’ve recently been on a Top Chef jag… Tom Curlique or whatever he’s named, and Padma wandering around getting fucked up on wine, thinking and acting (badly) like they’re the shit.

A recent episode had the chefs creating something that spoke to their past (a recurring theme — “this is me on a plate, man’).

One chef made something and added a foam of sorts, as a nod to his upbringing by the sea. As usual, the foam looked like fucked up spittle. Or, in a seminal way, looked like foamy ejaculate. Like a fucked up porn reel stag film, where some guy went and whipped out his shlong and whacked it on someone’s fucking dinner.

And don’t get me started on the ever-popular shit smear they love to put on plates — I’ll leave that for another entry…

Cut the cord

You know, I’ve thought about it.

Cut cable. Fuck Comcast once and for all. Fucking prick shit assholes.

Have I mentioned there is pretty much nothing good about Comcast? Xfinity? Whatever the fuck they call themselves now? Or whenever.

I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, how shitty can a company actually get?

They overcharge for everything, are generally assholes, and are just all-around crap.

But then again, this is nothing new. This is not groundbreaking news. Pretty much any human who has had any interaction with Comcast knows they are garbage.

Why do I write this? I’m whipping myself into a goddam froth just thinking about what a horrible bowl of shit Comcast is.

I guess it’s somehow cathartic? Fucking ranting on some television blog that nobody reads. Weeping, moaning. Damn, it’s Friday night, man, and I’m here fucking up my blood pressure going off on some shit company that doesn’t care about me, or you, or anyone for that matter.

Anyway, what the fuck was the point of this? Oh yeah, growing a pair and cutting the fucking so-called “cord” and getting off this Comcast shit.

Going rogue, with PS4 Vue, or just the Apple TV or whatever.

But it seems so scary. Denuded. Naked and afraid in the woods with nothing but my wits and no fucking cable.

Cable TV.

What is this, 1982?

Oh yeah, fuck Comcast.