Someone ejaculated on my plate

I enjoy watching those cooking shows on television. For the most part.

I suppose it has to do with a general enjoyment of food, and a weird interest in “how the sausage is made.”

I’ve recently been on a Top Chef jag… Tom Curlique or whatever he’s named, and Padma wandering around getting fucked up on wine, thinking and acting (badly) like they’re the shit.

A recent episode had the chefs creating something that spoke to their past (a recurring theme — “this is me on a plate, man’).

One chef made something and added a foam of sorts, as a nod to his upbringing by the sea. As usual, the foam looked like fucked up spittle. Or, in a seminal way, looked like foamy ejaculate. Like a fucked up porn reel stag film, where some guy went and whipped out his shlong and whacked it on someone’s fucking dinner.

And don’t get me started on the ever-popular shit smear they love to put on plates — I’ll leave that for another entry…

Cut the cord

You know, I’ve thought about it.

Cut cable. Fuck Comcast once and for all. Fucking prick shit assholes.

Have I mentioned there is pretty much nothing good about Comcast? Xfinity? Whatever the fuck they call themselves now? Or whenever.

I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, how shitty can a company actually get?

They overcharge for everything, are generally assholes, and are just all-around crap.

But then again, this is nothing new. This is not groundbreaking news. Pretty much any human who has had any interaction with Comcast knows they are garbage.

Why do I write this? I’m whipping myself into a goddam froth just thinking about what a horrible bowl of shit Comcast is.

I guess it’s somehow cathartic? Fucking ranting on some television blog that nobody reads. Weeping, moaning. Damn, it’s Friday night, man, and I’m here fucking up my blood pressure going off on some shit company that doesn’t care about me, or you, or anyone for that matter.

Anyway, what the fuck was the point of this? Oh yeah, growing a pair and cutting the fucking so-called “cord” and getting off this Comcast shit.

Going rogue, with PS4 Vue, or just the Apple TV or whatever.

But it seems so scary. Denuded. Naked and afraid in the woods with nothing but my wits and no fucking cable.

Cable TV.

What is this, 1982?

Oh yeah, fuck Comcast.

On the floor, or something

What the fuck is with this weird “trend” of having people lie against a wall like they’re in bed?

You see it in commercials all the time.

Weird herky-jerky animation bullshit going on in the background… fucking more of the dumb-ass hipster infiltration. There’s got to be a beard somewhere on screen.

The suits are sure to be gloating “Look! It’s modern, and will lure the young, gullible and spendy!”

Fucktards. I see that shit and it inspires lame-ass television blog entries like this.

So there!

It’s New Years 2017, and there’s still Xmas leftovers!

Man, you gotta hand it to the Hallmark Network.

It’s fucking 2017, and there’s still some Christmas Shit floating over the cablewaves.

“Love Always, Santa.” “My Christmas Love.”

Crap like this always involves widowers, jilted lovers, single moms and dads, and the occasional abused pet.

Fuck, what a dream job — writing scripts for this swill.

2016 is pretty much a wrap

I suppose I’ll slog through a few minutes of the insipid madcap laffs that are Anderson Cooper and that ever-obnoxious Kathy Griffin. Then segue smoothly into the local coverage of people crouched around a glowing tower all waiting for something exciting to happen.

Of course, it’s been a fine year of bad television, and quite frankly I have no expectations that anything will change in 2017.

And yes, I’m still on that quest to see every episode of Cops and SVU free-range (not on-demand, but found feral over the cable waves).

Cooking and drinking…

For some reason, cooking and drinking goes quite well together… Hell, I’ve been known to do it myself.

But I digress.

Often when watching those “cooking shows” on teevee, it never fails that when some sort of liquor gets trotted out as an ingredient, it never fails that some chef/contestant/asshole takes a healthy swig from the jug, then proceeds to immediately pour some of that backwash spittle into the food.

That’s some fucking gross shit, man.

Watching  episode 4 of Season 14 of Top Chef, the ever-annoying Katsuji (expertly pronounced by all as Cat-soo-ji, BTW) is continually hitting the Patron like a fucking raging alcoholic, then pours the shit into whatever the fuck he’s cooking.

Whatever.

It all cooks out, right? Like fucking food-borne illness.

Of course, the episode is sponsored by Patron, so dumb-shit chefs getting fucked up in the kitchen is the perfect way to highlight the wonderful qualities of that over-hyped, over-priced shit-ass tequila.

Bad tunes

I’m not sure why anyone would think it’s a good idea to have people who can’t sing sing in commercials…

Oh yeah, dipshit dumbass commercial people probably think, “fuck bro, this shit is gold! Fucking idiots in TeeVeeLand can ‘RELATE!'”

Um, no. We don’t.

At least I don’t.

I think it’s some shitty Subaru ad where clowns who can’t sing belt out “Put A Little Love In Your Heart.”

Sorry, it’s like listening to cats in fucking heat.

Gets me to mute that shit pretty damn quick.

Bar Rescue needs one itself

I’ve been watching Bar Rescue for a while now, and quite frankly, it’s getting pretty shitty lately.

This past Triple Nickel episode was pretty much unwatchable. Hell, the past season has pretty much gone down the shitter.

Taffer is completely overboard, and the fake factor has been ramped up so high I’m like “what the fuck is this garbage?”

Maybe I need to be all wasted or something to really get into it. Seems everyone else on the damn show is wasted… why not me?

Of course, I’m a sucker for shitty television, so I’ll continue to slog my way through the jetsam and flotsam…

Stay tuned…

Xmas? WTF?

It’s fucking October Duracell.

Fuck you.

No, seriously.

A fucking Christmas commercial? On fucking Sunday, October 23, 2016?

Are you fucking high? I don’t care if there’s some fucking charity thinly veiled in the goddam thing. Fuck the fucking fuck off.

Fuck this shit.

Make Xmas 365 already. Jesus H. Fucking Christ.

Shit.

That ruined my fucking month. I haven’t even put up some fucking Halloween decorations yet.

I’m gonna have a fucking coronary.